Another Day, Another Year

Another year has flew by, I am now 24. Weird…

A lot of questions have been going through my head this year. A lot of questions about my birth Mother. This year on the 29th of October I sat wondering to myself if my birth Mother thinks about me when it comes to the day I was born. Does she reminisce about that day? Was she on her own? Did she have support off any of her family? Did she give birth in a hospital? How old was she? Is it a good or bad memory for her? Does she even think about it or me?

All these questions that ponder through my head, all these questions with unknown answers. It makes me mad how hard it is for me and fellow adoptees to find out simple information like this. It is unfair to grow up and not know half of who you are. Half of your identity is missing and it is not giving back to you but instead it is up to you to put together the missing pieces .

People who are not adopted probably don’t quite understand how it feels. They have grown up with everything. All those little things, stories and quirks of the family which are part of your identity. Growing up with your grandparents and learning all the history of your ancestors, knowing your roots and how your family came to be where it is now. Having family traits and similar features to your family members. Learning about your country’s history and discovering how it came to be the country it is now. I envy it all.

Unfortunately I learned to hate myself at a young age. Being tanned growing up wasn’t easy. People would look at you differently, treat you differently and some were just horrible with some of the things they have said and done over the years. Many times I was called a Paki although I would tell these bullies that I was not from Pakistan I was born in Colombia, but they never seemed to care. I have had rocks thrown at me while been shouted at with racist slurs and was told to go back were I came from. Time and time again over the years I have had to put up with the racism towards me. So much so that I came to the decision to just laugh at the names and sly remarks made and accept it as it was. Ireland was not going to change its way for any ‘foreigner’ so it was either get painfully hurt everytime or sweep it under the rug and take it all as good fun. I don’t even think some of the Irish mean to be racist, everythings just for a ‘bit of craic’ and it would appear that their blind to the fact that some of things that they say will have such a big impact on people.

This racisim I endured as a child made me hate who I was. What I looked like. Everything about myself and my culture. I hated being tanned, I hated my black hair. I wanted nothing to do with where I came from in fear of being judged. In fear of being rejected by this place I called home. Being adopted, the fear of rejection and abandonment is fritghtening and it is something that stays with us forever. It isn’t something we can shake off it is a part of us and who we are.

It took me a long time to start loving myself for all that I am. Only within the last 2 years have I broken through that wall. I no longer hate my hair, I have gone back to my natrual colour and grown my hair out. I have got my ears pierced again. (I took them out after years of people making fun of the height difference, the reason for that being I had my ears pierced 2 weeks or so after I was born. It was tradition. But of course your ears have not fully grown at that age so it was impossible for them to get them even.) I am no longer ashamed of the colour of my skin but now flaunt it any chance I get. I am confident in myself and in the person I have become, and if people don’t like me well thats their loss.

I think about my birth Mother a lot now that I have become comfortable with who I am. I didn’t want to start my search until I knew I was I was in the right state of mind. I wonder if I look like my Mam or my Dad. Do I have any of the family traits? What is my medical background? What kind of lifestyle do they live? Has my Mother had any other children since? Are our personalities similar? and the list goes on. I don’t think people realise how lucky it is to know all of this information or how lost you can feel in the world when you don’t have this information available to you. It can feel lonely at times even if you are surrounded by friends and family that love you and care about you, because at the end of the day you are an adoptee and you don’t have many people that can relate to your feelings and emotions around it. They can try but will they ever fully understand what it’s like?

I can only hope sharing my story and my journey will help shine light on adoption and raise awareness about the unknown of our identity and everything that comes with it.

I’m confident in who I am, and I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just being myself: being comfortable with my body, comfortable with my sound, and I’m figuring out who I am.

Justine Skye